Why We Desire Love & How to Build Healthy Relationships

Image Credits: Photo by Vitor Diniz

We all want love, companionship, and emotional support. But have you ever wondered why? Why do we crave romantic relationships so much? Is it about emotional security, companionship, or just feeling understood?

As a psychologist, I’m here to help you understand why we desire love and how you can develop the right tools to not only find love but also keep it strong and healthy.

Why Do We Crave Romantic Relationships?

1. The Need for Connection Humans are wired for connection. From an evolutionary perspective, forming close relationships was key to survival. Being loved and supported is what makes us feel secure, and when we connect with someone romantically, it fulfills this basic need.

2. Emotional & Physical Intimacy Relationships provide both emotional and physical intimacy. These bonds help us feel cared for, safe, and understood, while physical affection—like hugging or holding hands—has been shown to reduce stress and boost mood.

3. Companionship Life can feel less fulfilling without someone to share it with. Romantic relationships give us the opportunity to experience life's highs and lows with a partner, creating lasting memories and shared moments.

Why Do Some Struggle with Relationships?

Many people have trouble finding or maintaining love. Some of the reasons might include:

• Lack of Self-Awareness: Not fully understanding your needs or desires can make it hard to build a relationship that fulfills you.

• Unresolved Past Experiences: Unresolved emotional baggage or unhealthy patterns from past relationships can carry over into your current one.

• Communication Gaps: Without knowing how to communicate openly, relationships can suffer from misunderstandings or unmet needs.

Tools for Building Healthy Relationships

1. Know Yourself First Before entering a relationship, take the time to understand what you need emotionally. Reflect on what you value most in life and in a partner. This will help you avoid relationships that aren’t right for you.

2. Understand Attachment Styles Attachment theory explains why we connect with others the way we do. Knowing whether you’re securely attached or have an anxious or avoidant style can help you navigate relationships better. Check out Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller for more insights.

3. Emotional Intelligence Work on developing emotional intelligence by learning how to manage your emotions, empathize with others, and communicate effectively. The Gottman Institute offers great resources to help with this.

4. Communication Skills Healthy relationships are built on open, honest, and respectful communication. Practice active listening and make sure to express your needs clearly. Psychology Today has many great articles on how to improve communication in relationships.

5. Set Boundaries Boundaries are essential for a healthy relationship. They allow both partners to maintain a sense of individuality and avoid feeling overwhelmed. For more information on setting boundaries, check out LoveisRespect.org.

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

Building a strong relationship is just the beginning. To keep your bond alive:

• Make time for each other: Schedule regular date nights or simple hangouts to nurture your connection.

• Express appreciation: Show your partner that you value them with small gestures of love and gratitude.

• Grow together: Support each other as you both evolve personally and professionally.

Conclusion

Romantic relationships are a beautiful part of life, but they require effort, self-awareness, and communication. By understanding your attachment style, improving your emotional intelligence, and learning to communicate effectively, you can build a relationship that not only survives but thrives.

Useful Resources:

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller – Link

• Gottman Institute Blog – Link

• Psychology Today - Relationships – Link

• LoveisRespect – Link